Scarebear's Thoughts

Keep Up With Me

2009-11-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

I moved on.
I've done enough damage here.

You can find me here. http://scarebear.tripod.com
Blog included.

Work: A Lack Of

2009-10-23T22:25:00.000-07:00

I don't have a job.

It's been 37 days without one.

I'm seriously going insane due to it.

I have had a job ever since I was 16. Of course, I took it forgranted since I was a teenager. When I don't have a job, I tend to become very cranky. I'll snap at people for anything. Usually it takes a few months but after quitting this last time, it only took a week. Little things trigger me into being, quite frankly, a bitch. I don't like it. I need a job. Badly. Right now I plan to apply for a few on-line. My big problem is that I don't drive. I have a driving phobia. I don't feel comfortable walking in my town, there has been too many murders to feel okay with that. My mother has a car but her hours are awkward. It's all sucking severely.

I hate not having a job. No income at all. I need things but can't afford them. I want things but don't even get hopefully to gain them because I could I? I'm pretty much a live-in maid at home. Which I'd be fine with if I could afford it via family but they don't make enough to support me on top of themselves. They're barely making enough to support themselves, mom isn't making enough to. Or I'd be fine if Randy could afford. Trust me, stay-at-home mom is my second job of choice, lol, but Randy can't afford to care for himself and me. He still works at KFC on a $7.30 pay and it's lucky to even see a 20 hour work week at the least.

It's just VERY VERY VERY fusterating.

>.<

Books to Movies

2009-10-06T07:29:00.000-07:00

Are script writers out of their own ideas anymore? Every new movie I see previews for anymore seems to be based off a book. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of seeing these great books turned into big screen movies, tv movies, tv series... Etc. I mean really, what is the need for turning every good book into a movie? It makes the majority of people get lazy and not read the actual books. Are authors just that desparate for money? What ever happened to writing for the love of writing, not for selling it to the film industry for mondo-bucks. Not to mention, a movie leaves out so much and sometimes is completely shitty, example A: Queen of the Damned. Great book. That movie was an insult to it.

Another thing that bugs me is Twilight. No, I have not read the series. I didn't know about the books until the movie came out. I saw previews with the movie and it wasn't my cup of tea. I somehow was forced into watching it and it sucked. The movie was stupid. I'm a big vampire fiction fan and nothing from the movie even screamed vampire. They had maybe two traits in common and nothing else followed vampire myths. This made me not want to read the books, aside from preferring to read more mature books anyways. Teen books don't appeal to me now that I'm not a teen. Weird. This wasn't meant to be "Why Twilight Sucks" area though. What pisses me off now, is that because of the teenie boppers and Twilight fanatics, it seems that every big vampire series is hitting the film scene. All because Twilight made vampire "cool" for media. Why didn't Anne Rice do this? I finally, years after reading the book and a few months of owning it, watched Interview With the Vampire and it was good. Why didn't that make vampires good enough to be what so many people now love? That movie was way better then Twilight. No, Twilight makes vampires a craving for people and now it seems like everyone is going, "Twilight was so successful that I bet I can put my work out to film and make just as much cash from it!" It just bugs me.

If I ever get published, I don't see myself ever selling my series to film. Yes, money is tempting but to me, my writing should be enough to please me. As long as I have just a few people who enjoy my writing, the film industry can shove it's offers, if it would happen to me. I don't want my books to only be popular because it was a movie or on tv. It feels like a cheap way to get known. I want to be able to take pride in my writing and it's following for my books just being that good.

Fear

2009-09-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

Our marriage feels pre-mature on Randy's end. I know a three year age difference doesn't seem like a lot, but in our age area, it kind of is. Please don't get me wrong, I want to get married to him. I'm madly in love with him, but that's what brought this all on. I know I'm ready for marriage. I'm 22. I've had more field time. I've had boyfriends in the past that I have experienced a lot with, (minus sex because it didn't seem right with any of them). Randy is only 19. We started dating a month after he was 18. I'm his first everything. Girlfriend, kiss, and other things. I'm having such a hard time believing he won't regret all of this. I can't get past thinking that sooner or later down the road he is going to start thinking: "Why did I jump into a relationship so soon?" or "I wish I could have played the field for awhile before tying myself to the first girl who demanded that we date." Which I trust he wouldn't cheat on me, but that doesn't rule out leaving me so he can do what he missed while being with me. I know I'm not the pick of the liter. I'm a basket case. I have depression, bi-polar disorder, or something in that area. I don't know what because I'm a broke bitch so I can't afford to see a doctor, but I know something is wrong with me. I know I should be medicated. I'm not going over all my flaws, but I see more flaws then strong points in me. Hell, this entry shows some of my flaws. The point being, I know he could probably do better then me and I feel he just settled for less with me for whatever reason he did. I love him to death. You don't let someone like Randy slip through your fingers when he's pretty much been the only guy I know who has ever treated good, maybe even better then what I deserve, but this is my fear. I already feel I nagged him into dating me. I feel I harassed him on the marriage topic. I kept pushing for both until he gave in. He is the only guy I've dated that doesn't make me feel bad either by treated me like shit or always making me feel as if I wasn't good enough. Like I'm just here to fill in the girlfriend gap until someone better comes along. I think that's why I fear he's regret this. It stems from previously guys, (and I won't say just boyfriends in the past, because I never dated the one), treating me like a filler and so now I expect it from Randy, even though there's a good chance of this not happening. I can be told over and over again that nothing will happen, but due to the past, I can't believe it. I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know how to get over these fears.

Currently

2009-09-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

This is what's going on. With a lot of the factories going out of business, lying off, or our prices getting raised during a crappy economy, KFC loss a lot of customers. Adelio's solution was stupid. He raised prices to make up for the loss of money. Somehow he doesn't grasp that it's why he keeps losing people. With that said, we aren't allowed many hours as a whole crew and Randy and I got the shit end of the deal. Randy's got it worst for the pure fact that Adelio dislikes him for no real reason. Despite the fact that Randy is one of his best employees. Despite that Randy spent a good month trying to impress Adelio for his hours back. He gave up to a point, because Adelio didn't care. Yet he's still one the best employees. He knows what to do, he does what he's suppose to, and he's honestly more qualified for the job then certain managers even are. This wasn't supposed to be a rant about KFC blog though.

The point of this was that our hours were cut so bad that we can't afford to stay in our home. We get paid $7.30 an hour and get maybe... 16 to 20 hours a week. Rent was $575; electric ran $70-90, car insurance of $90, and cells of $40 & $60. Plus needing gas money and grocery money. With these newly cut ours we only pull in a little over $800 a month. Plus winter means business slows even worse and our income goes lower. So our lease is up on September 20th. We sadly didn't get new jobs... We didn't even get call backs. So we're leaving. I'm moving back to Warren to my mother's where we're not allowed dogs. In order to keep Hampton, Randy is moving back to his parent's place, where his dad doesn't like cats. So Raina's coming with me. This means Randy will remain in Middlefield. 30 minutes away from me.

We're not breaking up. People seem to keep asking that. We're very far from breaking up. We are "pre-engaged" as we call it. Because we are planning a wedding. We have a date set, a place picked out, I found what I want my dress and cake to look like, we have colors picked, and a place for the reception picked out. We also have a guest list done. The only reason Randy has not officially proposed is because he has a date already picked out and it hasn't come yet. Of course I don't know the date, nor do I want to because I want to be surprised. So no, this isn't the end. I'm going to miss being around Randy all the time and I'll miss Hampton despite her being a butt head, but it's only temporary.

Engagement

2009-08-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

This is the ring I want.

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=10843472

Of course, with our names, lol, and I thought it'd be cute if, sine we share a birth month, instead put the month's stone for whenever he's planning to ask me and the stone for September, which is when we have the wedding planned for.

Blue Sapphire is for September, by the way.

Just saying.

Casual Friendships

2009-08-22T07:00:00.001-07:00

Friendship (noun)
1: The state of being friends.
2: The quality or state of being friendly.
3: Obsolete; Aid

I've had a lot of time to think while Randy was out of town. A little under a week of being on my own in our home made me realize some things. Mainly one topic. Friends. What is a friend? By Webster's dictionary, a friend is...
1: One attached to another by affection or esteem; Acquaintance.
2: One that is not hostile; One that is of the same nation, party, or group.
3: One that favors or promotes something, (as a charity).
4: A favored companion.

Then I started thinking, relationships between lovers have levels. You have long term relations, casual relations, and so on. As I was thinking, and maybe I'm slow on this, friendships carry the same levels. People have friends, best friends, and so forth. I started thinking about my friends a lot during this period of alone time. Which is exactly why I thought about them. I was alone, lonely, and I realized I didn't have anyone to come keep me company. I use to always be able to go to a friend's house or have a friend over. I thought about my friends. All of them. I excuse the ones that are out of state, or even just too far away for visiting, but not all of my friends are unable to visit. Yet no one does. Then I started thinking. None of them have even been really talking to me. I just the occasional facebook, myspace, text, etc. but the majority of the time it out of pure boredom. No ever checks in with me, sees how I am, and when I attempt to go to them, they act like I'm a chore. It's like a "Here we go again." feeling from them. Since when is being friends a chore? No one forces anyone to be friends with anyone, so I don't understand why people claim to be my friend, but absolutely does nothing to show it. I care about all my friends. Example: I was recently in the hospital. I was, and still am, in alot of pain. It's gallstones and not the most threatening thing, but it's still something. I only heard from two friends along the lines of making sure I was okay. Otherwise I either got the shrug off or no contact at all. I don't understand this. If any of my friends went into hospital, big or small, I would care. I would make sure they were okay. More of my mother's friends compared to my own were concerned. That's sad. I don't want pity, but some... Tiny speck of caring would be nice. I honestly don't what changed between now and then, but back in the day my friends use to care more about me. I know I'm flawed, but that's part of being friends. You still stick it out with your friends despite flaws.

I have a few good friends and a lot of casual friends. Casual friendships like casual sex. I'm just here as a last resort to them. I just don't understand why my friends, again not all but a large amount, claim to be friends with me if they don't care about me.

About Religion

2009-08-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

I always believed that all things happen for a reason. I've always believed in karma. What goes around comes around, do to others as you'd want done to yourself and people deserve the same respect from you as they have given you. All of this, whether I've shown it or not, I believed. No, I'm not religious, but I am spiritual. I don't believe in following organized religions, but I have faith. I've studied different religions and participated in some of those only to find, they all have their flaws. So I go by what has worked for me. I suppose the closest religion to what I believe is Pagan/Wicca, but I'm not Wiccan. I'm like a religion mutt. You can call me crazy for what I believe and do, but I don't care. It's not up to anyone to judge me. I'm in no way, shape, or form an atheist. I do come across the thought of, "What if it's true? What if there's nothing? No Heaven or Hell. Nothing controlling us. Etc," but I just can't bring myself to believe that it's true. For several reasons. It makes it seem as if we have no purpose here if Atheism is true. From what I've seen and experienced, I don't believe there's nothing to us. I can't say I believe in God or not, but I believe in there being something.

I believe in ghosts, spirits, and other related things. I've had many strange occurrences to cause me to believe in them. If fact, I believe something follows me. I've moved around a lot but experience similar things. The most common is with ceiling fans. From home to home I've had the lights turned off on me. Not just go out, but I've heard the light chains pulled. The current apartment I'm in has no ceiling fans but I hear noises here and there. The weirdest event involved my computer. I use to have it in the bedroom and when I would leave, I'd turn the monitor off. One night my bedroom door was open while I was in the kitchen. I know I turned the monitor off. I was at the table when I saw a light come on in our room. Somehow the monitor turned on. Other little things have happened in other homes. Doors shutting, things falling with no one around, etc. Family members of mine have experienced strange happenings including my father and youngest sister seeing the same ghost in one of our past homes. I can't help but to believe they exist.

I believe in my tarot cards. First off, a lot of people mistake tarot cards for psychic tools. In sense you they can be considered that, but I'm talking a hardcore-predict-the-future psychic tool. Many people think tarot card are suppose to predict your future and we'll go ahead and thank fake people like Ms. Cleo for this. This isn't the case though. Tarot cards are supposed to be guidance with your life. They're suppose to open your eyes to what's around you and show you paths to take that will help you move along with your current life phase. I believe they work because I have used them on myself and on others and they have proved themselves to work in my eyes, as long as those in which they are being read for are truly focusing on things and giving the cards a chance. They don't work on those who go into a reading thinking there's no chance of them
working. You have to put trust and focus into them. I have The Fairy Ring deck. They usually hit the nail on the head for me. They work for me so I do believe in tarot cards.

The bottom line is, I don't have a religion, but despite what people think when I say that, I do have faith. I believe in many things, some stated above. I believe that just because you cannot see something or even touch it, don’t mean it's not there. Something has to be here or else I don't see what purpose we hold to even exist?

Pit Bulls & Dog Fights

2009-07-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

Warning: This gets graphic.

(Our baby: Hampton/Pit Bull-German Sheppard)

(A Pit Bull Puppy)

I'm a firm believer that dogs are not born mean. They are raise mean. I also think it's stupid for people to hate Pit Bulls. They're just beautiful dogs. I'm so sick of people fearing and hating Pit Bulls because "They're mean dogs." That's complete bullshit. A dog is only mean when they're not trained right. I have a Pit Bull mix who's very loving. I also had her full Pit Bull mom for awhile. There wasn't a mean bone in her body because she was raised right. Just like any human, they're not born with a "mean" gene or anything like that. The majority of "mean" Pit Bulls are the ones that are mistreated and/or used for dog fights, in which, any dog with that enviroment would be mean. Want proof? Look at how many of those Pit Bulls get saved and are still loving and able to be tamed.

Dog fights are horrid. I have no respect for anyone who'd enjoy it and/or do dog fighting. It's disgusting.These dogs get abused. Starved, beaten, etc.

(dog from fights)

How could anyone be so cruel?

Educate yourself. http://www.pitbulllovers.com/

Parenting

2009-07-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

I often worry that I'll be a bad parent. I have my father's temper and I know I have problems controlling it. Although I know what overboard is, thanks to my father raising us for the most part and putting us through Hell, I still fear I won't be able to control snapping. It scares me to death that I'll loose patience. I never want my kids to go through what my dad did to us.

I know how I want to raise my children when I have them. I want them to have enough freedom as I can give them, but still raise them to know who's boss and who to respect. I don't want to force them into doing things they don't want to, with the exception of normal house chores which I feel benefits children. It teaches them responsibility along with getting them in the habit of being clean. I also feel it keep children grounded to have responsibilities. I won't force them out of the things they like to do.

Along with normal house chores, my father constantly made us do landscaping and lawn work. We had to remodel the house and if we didn't do it correctly, we were punished. It's nothing a child should be doing and the punishment was uncalled for, not to mention, extreme most of the time. We were punished for the dumbest reasons in the worse ways. Anything we did for fun, he ruined. I played soccer for two years because I thought it'd be fun and I quit because he would yell and scream at me for not being good. The sad part is I didn't want to quit because I loved playing it. I just couldn't handle him turning into something so serious and stressful. I found drama club later down the road and he made me drop out my second year in it because my grades were bad and he accused drama club. For the most part it was his fault my grades were bad. He didn't give me time to study or do homework with all the lawn work and remodeling we were always doing. As a result, school was social for me, never about grades, since dad didn't give me time to hang out with friends. My proof for that: When I moved out to my mom's and started going to Harding, slowly but surely, my grades went up. I never want to do that to my children. I also have no intention of forcing my beliefs onto them. I want them to explore everything and make up their own mind on things.

Novels, Careers, & Wedding Bells

2009-07-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

I have two books I'm working on right now. I have the first book to my vampire series, which was formerly known as "Blood Red Sin" named after the vampire club involved but since the book is more about my main character, Sinthea, then it is about the club, I'm working on a new title. I also started another series that involves astrology and magic. This one is really just a side project, my main focus is the vampire series. Life's been busy and I feel bad because I haven't been writing much this last month with work, graduation parties, preparing for the Great Lakes Medieval Faire, and wedding planning, (I'll touch down on these in a bit). So it's time to get my ass in gear. Start tonight I'm doing a daily requirement of how many pages I write. I'm starting with two a day at the least and this will most likely increase later down the road.

I'm also job hunting after Faire season, (which ends mid-August), because of two things. One is our pay. We get paid minium wage which is $7.30 an hour when we only get about 40 hours on each bi-weekly paycheck and have cell phone and electric bills on top of a $625 a month rent, (electric runs from $50- $180 depending on the season). Randy has applied for a factory my step-mom works at, Dillon's and I hope he gets it because that'll help GREATLY on bills plus hopefully I find a better job to help. Reason two is some of the people I work for. I know you get douche bags in the majority of work places, but KFC has some professionals. I love our general manager, but certain regular managers, (who would normally be called shift supervisors), don't know what they're doing and blame their faults on everyone else. Also our store owners are completely heartless about their employees and pull dick moves like cutting our hours with warning when we already barely make enough to live on. The one tried telling Randy if he had the money to buy cigarettes then he has the money to live off of, when Randy bums a lot of smokes off people and the only reason he has problems quitting is because this job is made more stressful then normal because they let people who suck at their jobs become managers, but he won't let you get a word in to tell him that. So we both need out of here, but can't afford to quit without new jobs.

By the way, congratulations to my senior friends! Way to go class of 2009! Dixie, Dustin, Marissa, and Chad! Glad you guys all survived!

Medieval Faire starts July 11th and run every weekend until August 16th, 10am to 7pm. I'm trying to go July 11th and 12th. After that I don't know which other weekends I'm doing. Randy's going as a pirate and I'm a gypsy again, but I added more to my costume. www.medievalfaire.com

Another reason I hope we get better jobs is because of Randy and I are engaged. Well we are "pre-engaged" which we both have rings for, because we're planning it but he has a date picked out special for when he wanted to propose. So we have our pre-engaged/promise rings and eventually we'll be officially engaged. I'm very excited for it and to find out why he picked the date he has planned. We don't have an officially have a date set for the wedding but would like to have it by 2012. I already have a theme and my mothers, (so far my biological, God mother and Tammy who claim me as her daughter), are helping me plan it and/or are helping me put it together. From what I found, an average wedding runs $9,000 or more. We obviously don't have that money but I know a lot of short cuts to lower how much it'll be, (thanks to my crafty family members and those with connections to photographers and DJs). I'm guessing it'll run $5,000 but we're slowly getting things for it now so we have time for all of this. The only thing that bugs me is my theme might cause some people not to come, (the overly religious people invited). I would hope not, but you never know. I don't want to give the theme out on here because it feels like every time I picked a theme, someone uses it or plans on it, but if you want to know, e-mail me (scarebear146@yahoo.com), MySpace/Facebook message me, or text me. I'll most likely tell good friends.

The Dead Milkmen

2009-06-26T10:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but I absolutely love this.

One Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead

I met a girl there and she almost knocked me dead

Punk rock girl

Please look at me

Punk rock girl

What do you see?

Let's travel round the world

Just you and me punk rock girl.

I tapped her on the shoulder

And said do you have a beau?

She looked at me and smiled and said she did not know

Punk rock girl

Give me a chance

Punk rock girl

Let's go slam dance

We'll dress like Minnie Pearl

Just you and me punk rock girl

We went to the Philly Pizza Company

And ordered some hot tea

The waitress said well no, we only have it iced

So we jumped up on the table and shouted anarchy

And someone played a Beach Boys song on the jukebox

It it was "California Dreamin"

So we started screamin

On such a winter's day

She took me to her parents for a Sunday meal

Her father took one look at me and he began to squeal

Punk rock girl

It makes no sense

Punk rock girl

Your daddy's the vice president

Perchance the Duke of Earl

Yeah you're for me punk rock girl

We went to a shopping mall

And laughed at all the shoppers

And security guards trailed us to a record shop

We asked for Mojo Nixon

They said he don't work here

We said if you don't got Mojo Nixon then your store could use some fixin

We got into her car away we started rollin

I said how much you pay for this

Said nothin man it's stolen

Punk rock girl

You look so wild

Punk rock girl

Let's have a child

We'll name her Minnie Pearl

Just you and me

Eat fudge banana swirl

Just you and me

We'll travel round the world

Just you and mePunk rock girl.

The Reason For This

2009-06-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

The truth.
I am desperately trying to be okay and desperately trying to stay sane. I'm trying to keep to myself. My feelings, my ideas, and my problems. All the things eating away at me, causing distress.

Why?
I use to have this amazing friend. I could tell this friend things I would have never told anyone else. This friend gave me courage to expose my habits and courage to end them. They made it seem like they cared about me and I trusted them. Then, out of nowhere, that friend jumped ship. They just stopped caring. They don't want to deal with my problems because it's all annoying. The more I look back, the more I believe this friend was, and still is, a sociopath and I was to blind to see it then.

Common Sociopathic Features
Manipulative and Conning: They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self: Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying: Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt: A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions: When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation: Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy: Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature: Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency: Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability: Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle: Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility: Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them.

Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them.

Authoritarian

Secretive

Paranoid

Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired.

Goal of enslavement of their victims.

Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life.

Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim.

May state readily that their goal is to rule the world.

(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)

Problem.
So many others had broken my trust and so trusting this friend took a lot from me. The trust I had in this friend being destroyed has made me even more entrusting. When people say they care, I have a hard time believing them because I feel my problems are annoying since that friend made them seem so. Who really wants to deal with someone else's problems, right? I'm told, "Talk to me about what's bugging you." I hear, "I'm only saying this to be polite. I really don't care." If I do tell, I feel the only though anyone has is, "Oh my, she's pathetic and needs to just get over it." I can't bring myself to feel as if anyone cares when I'm down and those who say they do I can't get myself to not think they're only saying it because they feel obligated to.

So what do I do?
I blog. This is the only answer I can think of to work multiple ways. If I just write them all out here, people can read it and if it's annoying and you do think I'm pathetic and need to get over things, you don't have to comment or talk to me. You can just ignore it and not even tell me you read it. Then there's no obligation. No pity talk. I don't want pity concern.