The Reason For This

The truth.
I am desperately trying to be okay and desperately trying to stay sane. I'm trying to keep to myself. My feelings, my ideas, and my problems. All the things eating away at me, causing distress.



Why?
I use to have this amazing friend. I could tell this friend things I would have never told anyone else. This friend gave me courage to expose my habits and courage to end them. They made it seem like they cared about me and I trusted them. Then, out of nowhere, that friend jumped ship. They just stopped caring. They don't want to deal with my problems because it's all annoying. The more I look back, the more I believe this friend was, and still is, a sociopath and I was to blind to see it then.



Common Sociopathic Features
Manipulative and Conning: They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self: Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying: Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt: A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions: When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation: Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy: Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature: Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency: Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability: Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle: Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility: Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them.

Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them.

Authoritarian

Secretive

Paranoid

Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired.

Goal of enslavement of their victims.

Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life.

Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim.

May state readily that their goal is to rule the world.

(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)



Problem.
So many others had broken my trust and so trusting this friend took a lot from me. The trust I had in this friend being destroyed has made me even more entrusting. When people say they care, I have a hard time believing them because I feel my problems are annoying since that friend made them seem so. Who really wants to deal with someone else's problems, right? I'm told, "Talk to me about what's bugging you." I hear, "I'm only saying this to be polite. I really don't care." If I do tell, I feel the only though anyone has is, "Oh my, she's pathetic and needs to just get over it." I can't bring myself to feel as if anyone cares when I'm down and those who say they do I can't get myself to not think they're only saying it because they feel obligated to.

So what do I do?
I blog. This is the only answer I can think of to work multiple ways. If I just write them all out here, people can read it and if it's annoying and you do think I'm pathetic and need to get over things, you don't have to comment or talk to me. You can just ignore it and not even tell me you read it. Then there's no obligation. No pity talk. I don't want pity concern.