Fear

Our marriage feels pre-mature on Randy's end. I know a three year age difference doesn't seem like a lot, but in our age area, it kind of is. Please don't get me wrong, I want to get married to him. I'm madly in love with him, but that's what brought this all on. I know I'm ready for marriage. I'm 22. I've had more field time. I've had boyfriends in the past that I have experienced a lot with, (minus sex because it didn't seem right with any of them). Randy is only 19. We started dating a month after he was 18. I'm his first everything. Girlfriend, kiss, and other things. I'm having such a hard time believing he won't regret all of this. I can't get past thinking that sooner or later down the road he is going to start thinking: "Why did I jump into a relationship so soon?" or "I wish I could have played the field for awhile before tying myself to the first girl who demanded that we date." Which I trust he wouldn't cheat on me, but that doesn't rule out leaving me so he can do what he missed while being with me. I know I'm not the pick of the liter. I'm a basket case. I have depression, bi-polar disorder, or something in that area. I don't know what because I'm a broke bitch so I can't afford to see a doctor, but I know something is wrong with me. I know I should be medicated. I'm not going over all my flaws, but I see more flaws then strong points in me. Hell, this entry shows some of my flaws. The point being, I know he could probably do better then me and I feel he just settled for less with me for whatever reason he did. I love him to death. You don't let someone like Randy slip through your fingers when he's pretty much been the only guy I know who has ever treated good, maybe even better then what I deserve, but this is my fear. I already feel I nagged him into dating me. I feel I harassed him on the marriage topic. I kept pushing for both until he gave in. He is the only guy I've dated that doesn't make me feel bad either by treated me like shit or always making me feel as if I wasn't good enough. Like I'm just here to fill in the girlfriend gap until someone better comes along. I think that's why I fear he's regret this. It stems from previously guys, (and I won't say just boyfriends in the past, because I never dated the one), treating me like a filler and so now I expect it from Randy, even though there's a good chance of this not happening. I can be told over and over again that nothing will happen, but due to the past, I can't believe it. I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know how to get over these fears.